Responsibility weighs heavy.
I long to more fully embrace each day, to pursue purpose and throw off those earthly restraints that keep me tethered to mainstream mediocrity. Yet, it is in this day to day, this quiet measuring of life, that hope rises. Purpose expands, dreams still grow.
What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?, these words stop me in my tracks. I try these words on. What would I attempt to do if I knew I could not fail? … the question sobers me. Answers do not come rushing in.
More questions hang in the air.
Do I have big enough dreams? Have I stretched myself as far as I can? … Is there something more? The niggling in my soul nudges me daily. It presses hard on the inside of my ribcage, persistent in its chase. Where would it take me if I let it roam free? My eyes are front and centre as I look forward to a new year. Time to step out, time to try on brave. Time to still the voice of reason.
These words, – Destined – Devoted – Daring, these holy emblazoned and profoundly significant words, I dare to understand. I grapple with them daily, fall short and fall flat. Dare I believe that a single, ordinary, unexceptional life ... a life completely falling short of the grace and sanctity of a matrimonial alliance, still be assigned for a heaven breathed specific purpose? Can I, a single parent commit to the steadfast unrelenting pursuit that might be required? … Do I even have what it takes? These words are the ones I hold onto, a life raft keeping me afloat.
Can I do this?
I already battle with how to live brave, and how to walk courageously undaunted! I am not a thrill seeker, I do not live dangerously. I play it safe and play by the rules. I like order and have everything planned down to the very last detail! I am black and white through and through. Temerity is scarce and intrepidity out of reach. Yet, despite obvious inabilities, glaring lack and persistently clear weaknesses, I find myself whispering these words to my frantic heart.
I whisper them quietly, just loud enough so my heart can hear them, soft enough so my soul will believe them. For I wish dearly to inscribe these words - Destined, devoted, daring - fiercely across my existence. To scribble them back and forth and etch them deep, really deep. To carve a space between what is not yet and that which is anticipated. And now, it is these words that I carefully wave like a white flag to my hopes and dreams, time to surrender, time for a truce. Time to step out, time to be brave.